I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
