If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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