Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
