my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
