my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
