I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
