I got chris browned last night
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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