Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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