Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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