im six kinds of drunk right now
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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