On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
