Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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