Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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