I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
