the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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