margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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