Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
