btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
