My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
