i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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