i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
