you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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