just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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