I can text with my tongue
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
