Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
