fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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