For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
