i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
