My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
In other news, I just burned my penis
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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