Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Green mimosas i think yes
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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