and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
