dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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