I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
