Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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