he wants to bone in the snuggie
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
