i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I smell stomach acid.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
