I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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