Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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