Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Let's get the cat blown out
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
