i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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