He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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