ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
