I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
