Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
