What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
