She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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