She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
