I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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