he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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