I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
